Zen to be young

Since I turned 18, I felt forty. I cannot explain why but I wanted to return to the place with no responsibilities, no financial problems, no need to worry about getting a job.

A need to be young again.

This inexplicable feeling had its strong points, other times it was dumbed down.

Even though I knew nothing of this world would bring me back to that point in my life, so whenever strong feelings came, I quickly accepted the idea that it was never going to happen.

Except what happened yesterday...

I went to watch Toy Story 3 in 3-D with Diggy. 

I remembered why I hated Pixar. 

They took one of my favourite childhood movies and turned it into a funeral.

Why must Pixar be so evil? I cried 5 times. Five. I am 20 years old and I cried 5 times to Toy Story 3. It helped that I am close to my period, but none the less it was crazy depressing.

It was all about growing up, abandoned toys, accepting fate and moving on.

When I was a kid I hated change.

I knew the dreaded day when I would wake up and be an adult would eventfully happen.

Now its here.

For a favourite kids movie to be going threw the same devastating things, depresses me.

Stupid Pixar why can't you just make happy movies!

When I'm sad I want a cartoon to make me happy.

Not make me want to kill myself with its depressing storyline.

Then, I thought about my childhood a bit more.

Playing at the jungle gym

Skipping rope

Playing with friends

That was up until I was 6.

Then, the bullying, weight gain and depression came.

Oh ya, my childhood sucked.

So, me being dependant on Pixar making happy childhood movies replaces the need to think about mine.

My feeling to be young has gone, not fully but that is something else I need to change.

It's gone, never coming back. Cherish the ones that are good, and 

have better times now.

... Never. Watching. Another. Pixar. Movie. Again.

Hot Tempered Zephyr

What is in a friend?

Friends come and go so fast. Were they even your friends in the first place.

Friend

 [fr-end] 

~noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistant; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: who goes there? friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

So lets say if a person is none of the above then they are not your friend?

How far does friendship go?

When is it time to move on?

Is their a time for everyone?

Are all friends the same?

Sure feels like so.

I have 2 friends and a best friend.

So far.

From here the number just goes down.

Am I okay with that?

Yes.

I like being alone.

But for how long?

Is it worth it, Lem?

...

Mind of a swine

A breed sharing intimacy.

Why do people bring each other down.

What satisfaction does it bring them knowing that they are making someone sad and feel like shit.

Does it make your existence more meaningful?

Right now my mom is a borderline lesbian. She hasn't told me but I'm sensing it. She is always talking about how she hates what my dad has turned into and how she just hates men in general.

I'm sure if she wasn't so old fashioned that she would be instead of a black a white rule book she clutches at her chest where the world is still stuck in the 1950's.

Don't get me wrong I love the 1950's. Just not their rules. No gays, No sex, No divorce, No black people, old men cannot date young girls.

Something from Sex and The City 2 made me change the way I think about just about everything. It said "In marriage, you make your own rules". 

So, if your married and you and your partner like to swing, then those are your rules, and they're okay.

I can't see anything wrong with people wanting to do things their own way. Isn't that individuality?

Someone can't have 3 children and get remarried because you don't like the way it looks?

That really gets to me.

Having both parents like that, you can see why I moved out.

I also have a beef with men. Not all men, mostly the ones who live in dreamland known as Woodbridge "where everyone is the center of the universe here"

Every woman is depicted as a whore and they must take off their clothes on demand. Women are only good for cooking and sex and that's it. They don't belong in the workforce.

The worst part is...

Most women also think like this and now girls are too. 

I can't fill up my hand with names of how many girls try to impress guys but trying to act sexy. That fad is over its been overplayed. Stop prostituting yourself, Its depressing.

It depressing to see all these girls being under appreciated and they do nothing about it. Which makes boys think they can treat them like shit.

Women are like nails, if you keep hammering their head with negative things they will sink lower and lower under they are depressed under the wood. Some always pop back up but most like to stay where they are.

Why can't everyone just be nice to each other.

If you have something mean to say to me.

Go fuck yourself.

I am not afraid of you

What happened to the women who burned their bra's for freedom. Where are they now? We need them more than ever.

A note to my youth

We hear the same clichés all our life but what we don't realize is that they are true.

I went to my brother's convocation today and a lady by the name of Jeanne Beker was there. She is from Fashion Television and she gave a pretty motivational speech. Usually, when someone tries to talk at a meeting I'm always the first one to fall asleep but what she was saying really motivated me.

"Think outside the box", "make your own job", "never give up" these are all the same lines used over and over on us as children and we have never really listened to them. She had an amazing life story to back up her words, as to say she had proof for saying them. 

If i had to say something to motivate someone, it would be "everything that you do in life will be hard, everything that you care about will never come easy"

The more you push yourself to achieve something, the happier you will be when it happens. Have you ever gave yourself a high five for buying gum? have you ever been proud of yourself for eating food?

Have you ever held your head high when you got an award for achieving excellence? which one is the hardest?

I guess what i am trying to say is LISTEN TO ADVICE! They have been threw it, so they know!

One piece of advice that i hate is; Love at first sight. Thats not love, thats infatuation.

What really inspired me about Jeanne's speech is that she is a woman. She is someone i can relate too. We went threw the same experiences, phases, boy troubles, emotional, physical problems. So i really believe her when she speaks.

Nothing I do from now on will not come without work.

  

Paranoia in the powder room

Testing out my will to change myself, Today after the gym I decided to use their sauna. To any other girl it would be a glorious venture, but to me it was one step in the right direction.

Let me explain...

I am a paranoid person. understatement. I am a very paranoid person. I have a hyperactive imagination in the wrong direction. I.E. My boyfriend gets home from my house and takes 30 minutes longer than he usually does to call me. Conclusion: He's dead.

I'm also very claustrophobic. Hopefully you will see where I am going with this.

Anyway, So I grabbed a towel, got naked, turned the sauna dial to on, and walked in. At first, I notice its very small, well it wasn't that small (bigger than the one in the picture).

I start to get nervous. I'm all by myself. I start to hug my water bottle to my chest, sucking on it vigorously, my heart is palpitating. Why? because in my mind, a loud sound will go off scaring me out of my skin, the walls will start to close and the door will lock. I'm trapped and some figure in the darkness will come to kill me. I'm convinced. I start to think this is a bad idea. I really have to pee.

I talk to myself to try and calm my nerves. "Lina, It's a sauna not a death trap. It will be fun" I force myself to sit on the wooden bench.

The sauna turns on and smoke comes from the floor. I start to panic again. It's mustard gas, It will trigger the alarm, the sprinkler will go off, the door won't open, someone is coming to kill me. The smoke swirls in circles, slowly engulfing the room. My heart is going to fail, I can't breath, someone is coming to kill me.

The Step.

I don't move my legs "Lina, you have to leave. Someone is coming to kill you".

"I am going to enjoy this relaxing sauna" I stay.

The entire room is submerged in silky, thick, fog.

"Lina, you can't breathe, your going to suffocate"

"This is very relaxing"

water bottle still glued to my chest straw mended to lips.

I cannot see anything, My vision is completely blocked. If anyone wanted to kill me, they could and I would never see it coming, but no one did. I sat there by myself in a small room with steam so thick I couldn't even see the door. I was okay. I pried the water bottle from my chest, put it down and looked at it. My shield was down. I felt like for once I was just a naked girl in a sauna room, and I had not a worry that second.

There were parts where my imagination would try to play tricks on me. For a split second I saw a foggy black head on the floor, I laughed. Another second i saw a black figure sitting next to me, I stayed.

I told you, this is the start to a new and better person. Lemmy 2.0 in production one step at a time.

Recent heliolatry when the time is right

The road is long. Take your time.

Why is it that everyone is grumpy on rainy days? 

I am no exception.

 My mood is completely compliant with the weather, as with my knees. Although, Since the sun has been out rather a lot this year I feel as though I am happier. Not only happy but I am happy with my life. I see progression, I've been trying harder to get to the things that I want. Least we forget, we are apart of Mother Nature and we are organisms, like plants. We need the sun to grow as human beings, as people, as citizens. I believe the sun makes people come together. People are nicer when the weather is beautiful, especially in big over crowded cities or metropolis'. 

I worship the sun.

Not in a religious point of view, but whenever I go outside

and its a nice hot sunny day

I whisper to myself

Today is a beautiful day

It makes me convince myself that today will be a good day because I have control over the way I feel. 

When its a rainy foggy day its harder. My knee's hurt, my mood is sour, and I'm terribly lazy.

In this new part of my life. I am cutting over every time I ever felt miserable. Every thought I ever felt, will be gone. I am trying to grow and push myself to be better in every way. 

As much as having memories is nice. Its not worth it. Having memories do nothing but bring you down about how great things used to be, then you constantly think

 "But why cant it go back to the way it used to be"

Don't get me wrong memories are nice as pictures. Not to be brought up at every coffee meeting with an old friend. 

Don't give in to convenience

Neophyte to life

First post ever on my first blog ever and even though I'm only 20 turning 21 soon. It feels like I entered a forbidden door in the back of the convenience store with a sign on it that says adults only.

This is a new chapter.