The dangers of philogyny

Every fibre of my being had regret and remorse for this time.

I cannot force myself to regret my decision,

but I can regret you feeling this way because of me.

I never meant to hurt you.

Even though deep down when it happened it was because of you.

I can't sit.

My muscles are tense at my knees and they're not allowing me to bend them.

You are sitting.

My hands are perspiring, but the funny thing is I'm not doing any physical activity.
You are leaned over like you are waiting for me to do a backflip.

My fingers have a mind of their own.

Forward. Back. Up. Down. Side to side.
Inter-twined with each other, like they are comforting their loved ones.

You are not alarmed about my strange behaviour because that is what you love about me.

I like to fidget.

You have that concerned look on your face.

You know, Where you do that cute face with the raised eyebrows and wide eyes.

Your eyes already know.

They knew before you knew, or else they wouldn't be as sad, or empty.

Black.

That's all I see now when I look into them.

I have a lot of courage to be able to look at them. I've hurt them so bad that I would be a bastard to look away. 
They are always crying, but there are no tears on your face.

The anxiety is ripping my limbs off my body.

I can't take it.

I can't handle the physical pain.

It's rushing up my back, creating a pool of heat at the back of my head.

A wave of frozen air overtakes my arms and my hairs are so cold they try to jump off my skin, screaming into the air where no one can hear them.
My heart is working over time. I try to talk to it, but it won't even listen.

I can't take it.

The words shoot out of my mouth like a dam that had just burst.

I couldn't stop them.

Not even physically.

The moment of anticipation has come,

and now I watch for the key point.

Mouth drop.

Check.

Eyes fall.

Check.

Hand flies to your left breast, like a last attempt to try to save your already shattered heart.

Check.

What have I done.

No.

This is what I wanted.

I didn't do it for the rush.

I didn't do it because I wanted dick.

I didn't do it because I wanted to experiment.

I did it because I couldn't feel.

I couldn't feel his hand grazing my thigh.

I couldn't feel his teeth tugging my lips.

I couldn't feel him penetrating me for hours.

I couldn't feel my feelings for you.

I'm sorry.

You bend over for a last chance to save your heart from exploding out of your chest. 

I can feel the heat from your skin, your entire body is getting angry.

Now this is the part where you're thinking about him making pure naked physical contact with my body.

You can't process that thought.

Like a PC that just got a virus, It can't process the command.

You we're my everything at one point,

but now I'm your nothing.

I am a strong woman for admitting that to you,

But you knew there was a gamble when you threw your heart on the table.

X O