This hasn't been a good month for me.
My P.M.S. started pretty early and I'm trying to make it go away but it doesn't seem to want to leave.
I really hate being emotional.
It makes me miserable.
Today, I went for a walk with my sister. She's 13 going on 19.
She's all worried because she will be going to high school in September and she is going to a totally different school than her friends.
She's telling me of her social life and how she goes to parties and the movies and what she does during the day.
It made me think.
What did I do then.
Where did I go, what did I accomplish, what helped me.
Nothing.
I was the epitome of a loser, and I have never admitted it until now.
Then again I have a mid life crisis once every other month, and they never seem to get old.
I just haven't had one in awhile so I've forgotten how it feels like.
So now what?
What do I do now?
How about forget about the fucking past.
But you see I'm a history junkie so I love the past.
Even though it's not too kind to me.
Why is letting go so hard?
Letting go of anything!
Pets, Friends, Past, Boys, Books, Anything Valuable.
because at one point, it meant a lot to you.
I have to stop focusing on the past and just look ahead.
Cut it out completely.
The past never happened.
Mistakes won't happen twice if you think differently,
but putting your head in the same mindset when you made the mistake is the worst thing you can do.
This brings me to my previous point.
What do I do?
How do I do it?
How do I be strong when I am in a state of weakness.
How do you pick yourself up when you are glued to the ground.
Strength.
I need to learn strength.
I need to stop skipping over the seconds of my life so I can slow down and think things through.
To have the strength to move.
Pick yourself up from the sticky floor, Lem.
Stand up.
Good, now move forward one toe at a time.
Good.
Don't look down.
Look ahead.
Good girl.
Keep going.
I'm here for you.
I wrote a very intellectual comment but it never fully posted. :(. I shall post tomorrow.
ReplyDelete<3
The past is a difficult subject; especially when it comes to those early teenage years. I think majority of us all had a hard time but I think it's safe to say that we have (for the most part) been able to pull ourselves through and be who we are today. As much as you can sometimes look at the past and cringe, or shake your head, cry or even laugh; it was still a part of who we were and that part makes up a piece of what we are today. It's so easy to look back and think of how small or trivial things really were and yet we were able to blow them way out of proportion. But they were real at the time, just as issues, problems, victories are important now. Our yesterday's brought us our today's and our today's will hopefully bring us our tomorrow's. Don't curse the past, it is essentially all that you have.
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